父母对所有孩子的爱都是一样的吗？_风闻

【来源龙腾网】

评论原创翻译：

David Schneider, Professor Emeritus of Psychology & Cognitive Sciences,

心理学和认知学的名誉教授

A better question would be do parents like each of their children equally, and for many of us the answer is no. Children have different personalities and interests as do their parents.  So a parent may feel more comfortable with one child and have more interests in common with him. Some children are touchy so a parent has to be on guard not to say the wrong thing while others are more easy going. And, of course, some children are more likely to do things that make the parents proud; even though parents generally shouldn’t feed off their children’s successes, it’s hard not to do so. Some children are more successful than others, and in extreme cases some may be successful and others complete failures. All other things being equal it would be hard not to like a child who is successful and happily married more than a sib still living in the basement at home and not making much progress in life.

这样问可能更好一点：父母是否对他们的每一个孩子都付出了同样的爱，对我们很多人来说，答案是否定的。因为父母和他们的孩子都有着不同的性格和兴趣爱好。所以父母可能会觉得和其中的某一个孩子相处起来更舒服，因为和他有共同的兴趣爱好。有些孩子很敏感，所以父母要小心，不能说错话，而有些孩子则可能更容易相处。当然，有些孩子可能会做一些让父母感到很自豪的事情，尽管我们并不提倡父母以孩子的成功为自豪，但我们很难做到。有些孩子就是比其他孩子更容易成功，在某些极端的情况下，有些孩子可能很容易就成功了，而有些孩子则会彻底失败。在其他条件相同的情况下，相比起生活上没有多大进步的同胞兄弟来说，我们更容易喜欢一个婚姻幸福、事业有成的孩子。

All that said, parents should (and most do) try to treat their children equitably which is not necessarily equally. And it’s hard. Different kids need different kinds of advice and different constellations of carrots and sticks. It’s inevitable that at least one child will feel that she has been treated less fairly (and she may be right) or that she has been less successful in meeting parental expectations. She may even come to think that she is loved less, but as I say that’s often not accurate. Most parents do their best for each child and sometimes don’t get it quite right. It’s been my experience that generally such feelings of being loved less tend to dissipate when the children get children of their own and have to confront all the issues just mentioned.

综上所述，父母以及大多数人都应该公平地对待他们所有的孩子，但这并不意味着父母一定能做到对每个孩子都一视同仁，因为做到完全平等实在是太难了。不同的孩子需要不同的建议，有的人需要鼓励式教育，而有的人则需要棍棒教育。但不可避免的是，一个家庭中至少会有一个孩子觉得他自己受到了不公平的对待（可能她猜的是对的），也许是因为她觉得自己没有达到父母的期望。她甚至会觉得父母并不爱自己，但就像我说的那样，这种感觉通常都是不对的。因为大多数的父母为他们的每个孩子都尽了最大的努力，虽然有时候他们做得并不尽如人意。但根据我的经验，只有当孩子们有了他们自己的孩子，当他们不得不面对上面提到的所有问题时，这种没有被爱的感觉才会消失。

I do believe in love and specifically that parents love their children, but I don’t know how to quantify that, and ’m not even sure what it means in behavioral terms. Like most parents I would do whatever is necessary (and remotely reasonable) to help my children, and I would never want to be in position to have to decide who deserves that help more. And I suppose a child could do something so outside my moral limits that I would cease to love that child as much. Love’s a very funny emotion whereas liking is far more straightforward.

我相信爱，尤其是父母对他们孩子的那种爱，但我不知道该如何量化它，我甚至不知道这在行为学上意味着什么。但是像大多数父母一样，我会尽我最大的努力去做一切有必要的事情来帮助我的孩子，而我永远也不会决定我应该给谁提供更多的帮助。我想，如果一个孩子做了一些超出我道德底线的事情，那我就不会再像以前那么爱他了。爱是一种非常有趣的情感，而喜欢则简单很多。

Anonymous

I love my kids separately as individuals and would sacrifice anything and everything for any one of them, but because of temperaments and challenge levels, I don’t love them equally. Actively knowing this is hard because I feel really guilty about it and do what I can to try to change the one complicated/strained relationship (but…it remains tenuous even after professional intervention).

我爱我的孩子们，他们都是独立的个体，我愿意为他们中的任何一个人牺牲掉一切，但是由于性格以及各种原因，我并不能平等的爱他们。但是能明白这一点很难，所以我对此感到很内疚，并且我一直在尽我所能去努力改变这段复杂、紧张的关系，但是，即使经过了专业人士的干预之后，这段关系仍然很脆弱。

I have one child who is a miserable human being: perpetually sour, demanding, arrogant, bossy person with no empathy at all and a mean streak (the child will make a wonderful prosecutor one day). I have had this child in a variety of professional help situations and the consensus seems to be that while there isn’t anything mentally wrong, the child is serially unreasonable, and can’t seem to understand that there is a problem with his/her behavior, and most of it is just personality. I want very much to love this child and have a good relationship with this child…but it is extremely difficult when there are personality traits involved that are abhorrent to me and are not ones I’m equipped for (because I don’t have a mean bone in my body and can’t respond with anything but hurt and disappointment when the child is mean to others). I do what I can to be proud, supportive, and loving toward this child and to see/praise/encourage the good points (there are some…hyper-responsible, smart, driven) but it is difficult for me. This is not a person I’d choose to be friends with or have anything to do with, were we not related.

我有一个孩子，他是一个可怜人：他总是很乖戾、苛刻、傲慢、专横，毫无同情心，他的性格很刻薄，但是也许有一天这个孩子会成为一名出色的检察官。我帮这个孩子找了各种专业人士寻求帮助，但是大家都一致认为，这个孩子虽然在精神上没有任何的问题，但是他一直都在无理取闹，他们也无法理解他的行为，可能是因为他的个性就是这样的吧。我非常想爱这个孩子，我想和这个孩子保持一个良好的关系，但是，当这个孩子出现一些我很厌恶的性格特征，而我又无法适应这些性格特征的时候，情况就变得很困难了。因为我并不是一个刻薄的人，所以当我的孩子对别人刻薄的时候，我除了感到受伤和失望以外，我不知道我还能作何反应。我尽我自己最大的可能去为这个孩子感到骄傲，去支持，去爱这个孩子，也一直在努力发现、表扬、鼓励他的优点，但这对我来说实在是太难了。如果我们没有血缘关系，我不会选择和这样的人做朋友或者有任何关系。

I have another child who is the absolute light of my life. This child is the perfect cross between my spouse and I, with the best qualities of both and charisma thrown in. This child has the tools and personality to succeed and to be liked. This child is positive, imaginative and happy with a sense of humor. Pretty much the opposite of the other. I would be lying if I said that this child isn’t the love of my life and my favorite.

The key is, recognizing this…everything I do, I’m aware of how it can be seen and how hurtful it would be for one child if I ever let it show. So I guess my answer is, I care for and protect them equally, address both needs diligently and with the same level of attention. I don’t regret having any child. That said, without intending to or wanting to, I do love one of them more, and I fight every day to mitigate that and keep it from coming out.

我还有一个孩子，他绝对是我生命中的一道光。这个孩子是我和妻子的完美结合，他身上兼具我们两个人的优点和魅力。这个孩子身上有很容易成功以及被人喜欢的特质和个性。这个孩子积极向上，富有想象力，快乐而且很有幽默感。他和另外一个孩子几乎是完全相反的。如果我说这个孩子不是我一生中的挚爱和我最爱的孩子，那绝对是在说谎。

关键是，当我意识到，我所做的每一件事会被人如何看待，也知道如果我把它表现出来，会对一个孩子造成很大的伤害。所以我想我的解决方案是，我对他们两个都付出一样的关心和保护，努力的去满足他们2个的需求，并给予他们2个同样的关注，我并不后悔要孩子。也就是说，在有意或无意中，我确实更爱这2个孩子中的其中一个，但是我每天都在努力缓解这种情况的出现，并努力阻止这种情感流露出来。